Post by BellevueBuckeye on Jun 21, 2016 8:21:15 GMT -5
The Cleveland Curse, 52, passed away June 19, 2016 in Oakland, California, finally succumbing after a 13 year battle with Lebronitis, a rare form of cancer. Born in 1964, The Curse had long been plagued with serious health issues that on multiple occasions proved to be near fatal, but it developed a well known reputation for fighting back and pulling through, overcoming many major setbacks. The Curse's life started off rough right out of the gate, as it nearly died in its infancy at Lambeau Field at the age of one, and then successfully fended off two attempted infections by the Pre Merger Super Bowl virus during its early childhood. At the age of 12 The Curse developed a surprise tumor in its Richfield organ that doctors described as a "Miracle" occurrence, but it quickly vanished after a treatment of Celtic radiation therapy.
At the start of the 1980's The Curse developed serious Kardiac issues, which would plague it for a decade. Its first near heart attack was successfully thwarted by a dosage of Red-Right 88 brand Aspirin, though a few years later more serious heart problems returned, which would require an even stronger medicine. On three separate occasions the potent drug Elway was used to prevent potentially life threatening infarctions, with the first dosage being "driven" directly into the heart and the second being paired with a light snack of Byner Butterfingers (years later a procedure known as Modell bypass surgery would completely rid The Curse of any Kardiac issues for the rest of its life, with the exception of minor high blood pressure spikes in 2002 and 2007.)
By the end of the 80's The Curse had once again developed cancer in its Richfield organ, but easily beat it again, this time after several treatments of Michael Jordan chemotherapy. In 1994, at the age of 30, The Curse suddenly collapsed and was nearly pronounced dead, but was soon revived by an "Indoor Soccer Doesn't Count" defibrillator. That same year, a bug that had long been lying dormant inside The Curse's body erupted into an acute case of Indian Fever. At first doctors completely over-reacted, using a secret weapon they called "The Strike", but after being deemed unethical that treatment was withdrawn, which resulted in the fever roaring back the following year. It turned out that this new bug was bacterial, and over the next several years various special antibiotics were developed to combat Indian Fever, the strongest of which were ATL Pitching and Jose Mesa, which brought The Curse back from the very edge of death in 1995 and 1997.
Two years after Indian Fever had finally subsided, The Curse developed its third bout of cancer, which would later prove to be its final downfall. This new tumor was a completely different type of cancer, called LeBronitis, and after first appearing in 2003 would slowly grow from a mild annoyance into a serious problem. In 2007 the tumor shocked doctors when it unexpectedly doubled in size during the course of one week in late May, becoming immediately life threatening, but was fairly easily brought under control with the use of Tim Duncan chemo. While recovering from this, The Curse was hit off guard by a surprise resurgence of Indian Fever which nearly killed it, but was successfully fought off using a peculiar treatment involving smothering the fever with multiple Red Socks. In the following years the Lebronitis tumor was successfully held at bay with more treatments of the previously used Celtic radiation therapy and even a little bit of Magic.
In July of 2010, "The Decision" was made to surgically remove the tumor, and after a successful operation The Curse went into full remission at age 46 and was given a clean bill of health and a new lease on life. However, just 4 years later, and to the shock of everyone who knew The Curse, a major relapse occurred as the Lebronitis tumor suddenly returned, in an even more potent form than before. Doctors immediately decided to use the newly approved Splash Brothers therapy, which proved very effective during its first attempt and extended The Curse's life an additional year. In June 2016 a second treatment of Splash Brothers therapy seemed to be going well, but a major problem developed as the fourth and final dose of the treatment refused to take, and the LeBronitis tumor began spreading rapidly throughout the whole body. After three unsuccessful attempts to apply the final dose, the Cleveland Curse's systems crashed, and it was pronounced dead at approximately 10:36pm, June 19, 2016.
The Cleveland Curse is survived by The Curse of The Billy Goat, of Chicago, The Curse of Bobby Layne, of Detroit, The Curse of the Maple Leafs, of Toronto, as well as several other minor curses and droughts around the nation. The Curse was preceded in death by The Curse of the Bambino (1918-2004), The Curse of the Black Sox (1917-2005) and The Rangers Curse of 1940 (1940-1994.) A celebration of death will be held on the streets of downtown Cleveland on Wednesday, June 22nd. Memorial donations can be sent directly to the Larry Dolan free agency war chest.
At the start of the 1980's The Curse developed serious Kardiac issues, which would plague it for a decade. Its first near heart attack was successfully thwarted by a dosage of Red-Right 88 brand Aspirin, though a few years later more serious heart problems returned, which would require an even stronger medicine. On three separate occasions the potent drug Elway was used to prevent potentially life threatening infarctions, with the first dosage being "driven" directly into the heart and the second being paired with a light snack of Byner Butterfingers (years later a procedure known as Modell bypass surgery would completely rid The Curse of any Kardiac issues for the rest of its life, with the exception of minor high blood pressure spikes in 2002 and 2007.)
By the end of the 80's The Curse had once again developed cancer in its Richfield organ, but easily beat it again, this time after several treatments of Michael Jordan chemotherapy. In 1994, at the age of 30, The Curse suddenly collapsed and was nearly pronounced dead, but was soon revived by an "Indoor Soccer Doesn't Count" defibrillator. That same year, a bug that had long been lying dormant inside The Curse's body erupted into an acute case of Indian Fever. At first doctors completely over-reacted, using a secret weapon they called "The Strike", but after being deemed unethical that treatment was withdrawn, which resulted in the fever roaring back the following year. It turned out that this new bug was bacterial, and over the next several years various special antibiotics were developed to combat Indian Fever, the strongest of which were ATL Pitching and Jose Mesa, which brought The Curse back from the very edge of death in 1995 and 1997.
Two years after Indian Fever had finally subsided, The Curse developed its third bout of cancer, which would later prove to be its final downfall. This new tumor was a completely different type of cancer, called LeBronitis, and after first appearing in 2003 would slowly grow from a mild annoyance into a serious problem. In 2007 the tumor shocked doctors when it unexpectedly doubled in size during the course of one week in late May, becoming immediately life threatening, but was fairly easily brought under control with the use of Tim Duncan chemo. While recovering from this, The Curse was hit off guard by a surprise resurgence of Indian Fever which nearly killed it, but was successfully fought off using a peculiar treatment involving smothering the fever with multiple Red Socks. In the following years the Lebronitis tumor was successfully held at bay with more treatments of the previously used Celtic radiation therapy and even a little bit of Magic.
In July of 2010, "The Decision" was made to surgically remove the tumor, and after a successful operation The Curse went into full remission at age 46 and was given a clean bill of health and a new lease on life. However, just 4 years later, and to the shock of everyone who knew The Curse, a major relapse occurred as the Lebronitis tumor suddenly returned, in an even more potent form than before. Doctors immediately decided to use the newly approved Splash Brothers therapy, which proved very effective during its first attempt and extended The Curse's life an additional year. In June 2016 a second treatment of Splash Brothers therapy seemed to be going well, but a major problem developed as the fourth and final dose of the treatment refused to take, and the LeBronitis tumor began spreading rapidly throughout the whole body. After three unsuccessful attempts to apply the final dose, the Cleveland Curse's systems crashed, and it was pronounced dead at approximately 10:36pm, June 19, 2016.
The Cleveland Curse is survived by The Curse of The Billy Goat, of Chicago, The Curse of Bobby Layne, of Detroit, The Curse of the Maple Leafs, of Toronto, as well as several other minor curses and droughts around the nation. The Curse was preceded in death by The Curse of the Bambino (1918-2004), The Curse of the Black Sox (1917-2005) and The Rangers Curse of 1940 (1940-1994.) A celebration of death will be held on the streets of downtown Cleveland on Wednesday, June 22nd. Memorial donations can be sent directly to the Larry Dolan free agency war chest.
